we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
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