he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
