Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
