When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
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