I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
