is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
