when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
