there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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