he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
