the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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