mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
