I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Randomize
