3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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