Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
