you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
