I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
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