I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
