just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Randomize
