There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
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