my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
