I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
