Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Randomize
