DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
