24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
