His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
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