we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Randomize
