first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
