She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
