Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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