Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
