how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
