no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
