I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
is that a dick in a sweater?
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
