mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
