I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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