Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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