I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
