The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Randomize
