Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Randomize
