Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
