That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
