You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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