I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
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