I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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