When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Im just a social blackout drinker.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
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