I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
