I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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