Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
