Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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