Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
