i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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