also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Randomize
